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Who the Cleveland Browns should hire as their next head coach

The end of the NFL regular season marks the beginning of the coaching carousel. Teams with mediocre and poor records will be firing their coaches and looking for new coaches to turn their franchises around. In the past 6 years, no team is more familiar with this process than the Cleveland Browns. The Browns will be looking for their 4th head coach since cigarette salesman Jimmy Haslam bought the team mid-2012 season. What follows is my shitty analysis of who the Browns should hire.

Before we get into the candidates, let us take a look at how we got here. Let’s go back to January 13, 2016. This was the day the Browns hired Hue Jackson. Believe it or not, Hue was one of the hottest coaching candidates on the market after being the Cincinnati Bengals’ offensive coordinator. The Bengal’s offense was top tier even with a fucking ginger at QB (3rd greatest ginger athlete ever). Haslam and his baseball people even skipped an owners meeting to meet with Jackson during the process. It was clear that Haslam would not miss out on Hue as he did with Chip Kelley.

When Hue was hired, best case scenario everybody hoped for was that the Browns would be a high-powered offense with Hue grooming the next young QB stud in the league. Worst case scenario?

However, after Williams took over as the interim head coach, the team did a 180 on the season and look the best we have seen since 2010. Who would have thought a crazy old psychopath possum eating maniac would be better at coaching than Hue Jackson. On second thought, the possum probably could have been better at coaching than Jackson. Since we are discussing Williams, let’s get into the candidates.

The Coaching Candidates

Gregg fucking Williams – HC Cleveland Browns
The case for Gregg Williams. As Mentioned earlier, he has this team playing better than they have in years. He also has been around the league for years and seen a lot of stuff. He has already had offers to be a head coach from 4 other teams without even needing to interview per Williams. The Browns would be lucky to score a high, in-demand (per Williams), coach. Right?
The case against Williams. Let’s face it, the NFL is an offensive league. The most important thing is to develop the quarterback and cater to him. The problem with Williams, or the Browns bringing back the entire staff next year, is every team is looking for that offensive-minded head coach. If Baker Mayfield is making his OC look good every year, he’s going to have to learn a new offense every year or two. This could stunt his development or make him want to retire early. You wouldn’t have that with the offensive head coach who will be there for years.

Freddie Kitchens – OC Cleveland Browns
The case for Freddie Kitchens. Fuck yeah, now we’re talking! Since Hue Jackson was fired and Kitchens was promoted to OC, Kitchens and Baker Mayfield have instantly clicked, and have the offense running on all cylinders. Baker Mayfield went from a rookie showing flashes to a top-two rookie of the year candidate and a bona fide stud. Not only that, Nick Chubb has emerged as a top 10 NFL running back. Perhaps Todd Haley was spending too much time tuning up his Camaro to notice the talent he had sitting on the bench. Kitchens also has a lot of personality that meshes well with players per Carson Palmer (from his time with the Cardinals). He has also shown interest in being a head coach.
The case against Kitchens. If Kitchens did get the job, his path would be running back coach, promoted to offensive coordinator, and promoted to Head Coach. We have seen this before. That’s right, Hue Jackson was running backs coach before he was the Bengal’s offensive coordinator, and eventually hired as head coach for the Browns. Speaking of Hue…

Hue Jackson – Assistant to the regional manager, Cincinnati Bengals
The case for Hue Jackson. If you can add a piece to your team while taking a piece away from a divisional opponent, it is like double dipping on one transaction. Sometimes you have to play chess when the rest of the league is playing checkers.
The case against Jackson. He was already the head coach of the Cleveland Browns. During that time, he went on to a historically bad 3-36-1 record. He went on national TV and threw the organization under the bus. He then took a job with a divisional rival mid-season that the Browns still had to play twice that year. The Browns still have to pay him for next year. Baker Mayfield hates his guts. He spent his time in Cleveland playing checkers when the rest of the league was playing football. Other than that, I see no reason why the Browns shouldn’t give him a look.

Lincoln Riley – HC Oklahoma
The case for Lincoln Riley. In his first two years at Oklahoma, he has gone to the College Football Playoffs and has had two Heisman winners (Mayfield and a baseball player). Riley and Mayfield would be on the same page from day one. The Browns would hope he could be the next Shanahan/McVay come to Cleveland.
The case against Riley He hasn’t proven shit at the NFL level. Shananahan and McVay both earned their stripes at the NFL level. Sure there are some successful coaches in the NFL who came from the college ranks (Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh), but even those guys had jobs in the NFL at some point in their careers. You don’t see Nick Saban or Chip Kelley trying to get back into the NFL. Urban Meyer has never even contemplated coming into the NFL ranks. Riley may just like coaching college ball. Being a head coach at Oklahoma, or any other big program, is like having all of the best players in the league always on their rookie deals. You don’t have to deal with salary caps, guys who make more money than you do, or general managers.

Mike McCarthy – Unemployed
The case for Mike McCarthy. He has won a superbowl and was the coach when Aaron Rodgers ascended to be the best QB in the NFL. Some will say the only reason Mike McCarthy is successful is because of Rodgers, but there are instances where the coach gets in the way of a talented QB’s progress. This happened a few years back with Mike Singletary and Troy Smith. If Singletary coached Rodgers from 2005-2008 Rodgers may be getting his masters from the University of Phoenix right now instead of discount double checking Danica Patrick. Also, McCarthy and John Dorsey go way back and Dorsey would be able to know if McCarthy would be a better fit than a guy like Kitchens.
The case against McCarthy. He has had back-to-back Hall of Famers as his QB and only won a single Superbowl. Could you imagine if Belichick had two great QBs like that, he would have won every Superbowl. It’s clear that Rodgers and McCarthy relationship went sour at some point and the rest of the roster was lackluster outside a few guys over the years.

Here are some other guys to consider:

  • Matt Lefleur – Titans OC. The Good: Hired twice by Shananananah as a QB coach. Hired by McVay as OC. The Bad: Hasn’t shown much as the Titans OC.
  • Jim Harbaugh – HC Michigan. The Good: Had past success in San Francisco. The Bad: He may just be taking the job so he can win a football game in Ohio.
  • Eric Bieniemy – OC Kansas City Chiefs. The Good: Matt Nagy 2.0. The Bad: He’s just a steward at OC for Andy Reid.

Before I say who the Browns should hire, I think we should visit some tenants of what the new head coach should have.
Keep Kitchens around for as long as possible.
Young. Under 40 preferably.
Looks the part, like a leader.
Everytime.

Offensive minded, former quarterback.
Rides the lightening.
Tebow is not better than him.
Organization changer.
Not afraid to have a drink or two.

That’s right folks! It’s Kyle Orton time! Everytime!

The Bottle

Kyle Orton – Doesn’t matter
The Case for Kyle Orton: He satisfies all of the tenants listed above. Just so we are clear, he is not a renter. He OWNS all opposition. You need a guy who can develop a quarterback in the NFL? How about a guy who spent a decade playing the position at the highest level? These two would be like peas in a podcast studio.


Lets fucking go!!!!!!
The case against Kyle:

So there you have it. The Browns should hire Kyle Orton this winter.

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Written by Uncle Internet

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