The NFL draft is here! It is one the most interesting days of the year for the league because all 32 teams are participating in one event. Beyond that, it is ultimate reality TV watching college kids become instant millionaires. Here is your definitive mock draft.
Disclaimer: This is not a player evaluation. This is what I believe teams should do if they want to improve.
1. Cleveland Browns – Sam Darnold, QB (USC) – The Browns have been searching for a quarterback since Tim Couch. Finally, they are in the position to get the passer of their choice. Darnold was recruited to USC as a linebacker, but quickly took the starting QB job and turned USC’s program around immediately. Turning the Browns around will be the ultimate challenge.
2. New York Giants – Cooper Manning, QB (Manning passing academy) – With Eli Manning in a perpetual state of concussion, the Giants are looking for the heir apparent to take over for Ol’ Doofy. The Giants best replacement would be the last Manning that hasn’t been used up by the NFL.
3. New York Jets – Josh Allen, QB (Wyoming) – Bryce Petty, Christian Hackenberg, Brooks Bollinger, the Jets have a long history of drafting “big arm” shitty quarterbacks. Josh Allen may be the ultimate strong arm shitty QB. There is not one statistical measurement that favors Allen, but he can throw the pigskin over those mountains (Smokeys). The Jets will be tripping over themselves to get this card in.
4. Cleveland Browns – Kyle Orton, QB (Retirement) – SMOKESCREEN! The Browns wanted you to think they were done drafting Qb’s but Darnold will be drafted to bolster the depth in the linebacker room. Here is why drafting Orton is the best solution. He is entering his age 35 season.
Tom Brady age 35 season – 4,827 yds, 34 TD’s, 8 INT’s, and 98.7 QB Rating.
Drew Brees age 35 season – 4952 yds, 33 TD’s 17 INT’s and 97.0 QB Rating.
Brett Favre age 35 season – 4,088 yds, 30 TD’s, 17 INT’s and 92.0 QB Rating.
No doubt Kyle could out-perform all of these guys.
5. Denver Broncos – Baker Mayfield, QB (Oklahoma) – Good God almighty! With a tip from Jim Ross, the Broncos draft Baker Mayfield. They have had the inside track on him for the last couple of years being a few miles up the road in Denver. They hope he will overtake Case Keenum sooner than later.
6. Indianapolis Colts – Quenton Nelson, OG (Notre Dame) – Andrew luck may be on his last shoulder ligament. They need protect his ass (and balls). Nelson may be the safest pick in the draft. The success of this franchise is squarely on Luck’s shoulder and they need to guard it (see what I did there).
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Minkah Fitzpatrick, DB (Alabama) – The Bucs need a lot of help. They greatly underperformed after the Hard Knocks hype train last year. They figure if they can draft a guy that can play multiple positions, it is like drafting multiple players. Sabermetrics at play here.
8. Chicago Bears – Bradley Chubb, Edge (South Carolina) – The Bears just shit themselves realizing Chubb is still there. They do attempt to trade the pick and a future 1 to Cleveland for Orton, but are denied. They go best player available at this point.
9. San Francisco 49ers – Josh Rosen, QB (UCLA) – Jimmy Garrapolo was drafted behind a superstar QB and became the franchise savior for the 49ers. So the 49ers decide to get the second coming of Jimmy Garrapolo by drafting a guy behind a superstar quarterback with an early pick. Kyle Shannahaah just mind-fucked the whole league.
10. Oakland Raiders – Hayden Hurst, TE (South Carolina) – Hayden Hurst is the oldest player in this draft. He will be 25 years old for his rookie campaign. He’s one of “my guys” per Jon Gruden. They hope age 25 means he is experienced at the pro level despite not taking any snaps.
11. Miami Dolphins – Johhny Manziel, QB (Rehab) – With Ryan Tannehill still not proving he is the guy, Adam Gase is looking for options at QB. Miami being the party/cocaine capital of the U.S., Gase is hoping Manziel being in his natural environment will spark some of the magic that made him so good in College.
12. Buffalo Bills – Bubba Ray Dudley, C (WWE) – With Eric Wood and Richie Incognito (good guy) retiring, they need to rebuild depth at their O-line. They feel that Bubba Ray Dudley will fill a need and fit well into Buffalo’s culture. I can’t argue that after watching this highlight.
13. Washington Redskins – Saquon Barkley, RB (Penn State) – In an attempt to prove they are tolerant towards Native American culture, the franchise drafts Saquon because they think he is Native American based on his name. He should be a day one starter and will help Alex Smith pick up where Kirk Cousins left off.
14. Green Bay Packers – Calvin Ridley, WR (Alabama) – The Packers are quietly becoming like the Cleveland Cavaliers. They have the best player in the world but have surrounded him with a shitty supporting cast. They make a feeble attempt to make it to the big one this year by drafting a WR when they really should be looking to build the interior of both sides of the line.
15. Arizona Cardinals – Michael Dickson, P (Texas) – Obviously a Phil Dawson pick here. Phil wanted the best holder in the draft. Dickson being from Texa$ only sweetens the deal for Phil. Currently, the roster is without a Punter so this pick also fills a need. With the Bradford signing and this pick, the Cardinals are still very much in win-now mode to get one for Phil.
16. Baltimore Ravens – Dallas Goedert, TE (South Dakota St) – The Ravens are trying to kill two birds with one stone here (pun intended).
1. Get Joe Flacco another weapon.
2. Replace hall of fame tight end Ozzie Newsome.
Good luck with that one.
17. Los Angeles Chargers – John O’Korn, QB (Michigan) – Trying not to be overshadowed by the Rams, the Chargers try to tap into the local area fans by drafting a player named after the Bakersfield band Korn. With Phil Rivers still playing well, O’Korn will be a freak on a leash for now.
18. Seattle Seahawks – Denzel Ward, CB (tOSU) – After trading Michael Bennet, releasing Richard Sherman, and denying Colin Kaepernick a workout, the Seahawks desperately want to draft a black guy so they appear woke. Denzel Ward checks that box for them. He is also considered one of the best CB’s in this draft. This is a steal for the Seahawks even with their other agenda.
19. Dallas Cowboys – Tony Brown, CB (Alabama) – With Denzel Ward drafted right in front of their tits, the Cowboys scramble to get this pick in. They decide to draft the fastest guy in Texas. We have seen this before when they drafted Byron Jones. Jerruh is pleased with himself at this point.
20. Detroit Lions – Kid Rock, Singer (Trailer Park) – The Lions are trying to avoid wasting another player’s career like they have with Barry Sanders, Calvin Johnson, and currently Matt Stafford. They figure they would be better off not drafting at this point. They make Kid Rock an honorary member of the team in hopes to sell a couple of extra tickets and a few Ford trucks.
21. Cincinnati Bengals – Aaron Herandez Rae Carruth, WR (Jail) – The Bengals have a long history of adding guys to their roster that have arrest records and giving them a second chance. They are taking it up a notch this year by drafting a guy who was convicted of murder. This will provide some depth at the WR position if John Ross does not work out. I bet you didn’t know this, Vontaze Burfict does NOT have an arrest record
22. Buffalo Bills – Devon Dudley, OG (WWE) – As mentioned above, two unexpected needs popped up this year at the O-line. The Bills quickly fill these needs and look to push for a second straight playoff birth in a weak division. The film shows that the Dudley boys should have instant chemistry.
23. New England Patriots – Tristan Thompson, TE (Cavs) – With the NBA moving away from the traditional “big man”, Tristan Thompson should become available. The Patriots are preparing for life after Gronk. Considering cheating is a part of the Patriot way, Thompson is going to be a good fit for their culture.
24. Carolina Panthers – Maurice Hurst, DT (Michigan) – Last year the Panthers drafted Ed McCaffery’s kid. This year they are drafting another son of a former NFL player. Maurice Hurst Sr. was a cornerback of the New England Patriots. Expect the Panthers to get some Cromarties in the next few years.
25. Tennesee Titans – Mike O’hearn, LB (American Gladiators) – From his scouting report: “With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior.” The Titans would be foolish to pass up a guy with this type of upside. New head coach Mike Vrabel knows linebackers and this should be a slam dunk pick.
26. Atlanta Falcons – Bone Crusher, DT (So So Def Records) – The Falcons need depth on the D-Line. They have a secret weapon in their backyard with Atlanta rapper Bone Crusher. He has displayed higher than average football lQ in his madden remix of “Never Scared”. IT’S FOOTBARL TIME!
27. New Orleans Saints – Equanimeous St. Brown, WR (Notre Dame) – Brown is the only player in the draft that I am aware of that speaks French and has St. in their name. Needing another receiver to compliment Michael Thomas, this pick makes too much sense and I can’t think of anything funny to write about this guy.
28. Pittsburgh Steelers – Antonio Callaway, (Florida) – This guy has Steelers written all over him and will become an immediate locker room favorite with Levon Bell and Martavious Bryant. In 2015 he was accused of sexual assault (will help build chemistry with Roethlisberger) but was deemed not responsible because he was high on marijuana. He was also arrested for possession of marijuana.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars – D.J. Moore – WR, (Maryland) – Bortles is going to Bort. The Defense is rock solid, but with Allen Robison and Allen Hurns are gone. The Jaguars need to get some pass catchers who can handle the velocity that will be flying at them when Bortles fires it in there.
30. Minnesota Vikings – Eddy Pineiro, K (Florida) – The Vikings are still trying to replace sex boat organizer Paul Edinger. The Vikings may already have one of the most dangerous kickers in the NFL in Kai Forbath, but as they say, iron sharpens iron. They need to keep another kicker on the roster to force Forbath to up his game and perhaps reach the sex boat potential that Mike Zimmer has been eyeing in him.
31. New England Patriots – Lamar Jackson, QB (Louisville) – Touchdown Tammy thinks he’s going to play to 45 by drinking water. That’s not how it works! Now he’s pissed at Belichick because he doesn’t let his crazy trainer into the office. Belichick will make this pick to spite Brady and set up the next chapter for the football team.
32. Philadelphia Eagles – Nick Chubb, RB (Georgia) – It is well known at this point that Nick Foles has a huge chubb. That is how he became “Big Dick Nick”. The Eagles are trying to compound that by adding another guy named Nick who quite possibly may have a chubb per his namesake. They are trying to overcompensate for something else.