NFL Draft Results and Thoughts

So who won this fucking thing?

With the Draft wrapped up, let’s put this shit into perspective.

Arizona Cardinals

  • 1-10: Josh Rosen, QB (UCLA)
  • 2-47: Christian Kirk, WR (Texas A&M)
  • 3-97: Mason Cole, C (Michigan)
  • 4-134: Chase Edmonds, RB (Fordham)
  • 6-182: Christian Campbell, CB (Penn State)
  • 7-254: Korey Cunningham, T (Cincinnati)

Cards looked like they were heading into the abyss with Arians leaving and Palmer retiring. But out of nowhere, they draft a jew who many think may be the best QB in the draft. They had to give up a 3rd rounder to move up to get Rosen. Christian Kirk should help make up for John Brown leaving. Grade: Winner

Atlanta Falcons

  • 1-26: Calvin Ridley, WR (Alabama)
  • 2-58: Isaiah Oliver, CB (Colorado)
  • 3-90: Deadrin Senat, DT (USF)
  • 4-126: Ito Smith, RB (Southern Mississippi)
  • 6-194: Russell Gage, WR (LSU)
  • 6-200: Foyesade Oluokun, S (Yale)

With a potential Jones holdout coming up, the Falcons decided to get another Alabama receiver to fill up the depth chart. Isaiah Oliver appears to be the heir apparent to ol’ Grimey.
Grade: I don’t fucking know.

Baltimore Ravens

  • 1-25: Hayden Hurst, TE (South Carolina)
  • 1-32: Lamar Jackson, QB (Louisville)
  • 3-83: Orlando Brown, T (Ravens)
  • 3-86: Mark Andrews, TE (Oklahoma)
  • 4-118: Anthony Averett, CB (Alabama)
  • 4-122: Kenny Young, LB (UCLA)
  • 4-132: Jaleel Scott, WR (New Mexico State)
  • 5-162: Jordan Lasley, WR (UCLA)
  • 6-190: DeShon Elliott, S (Texas)
  • 6-212: Greg Senat, T (Wagner)
  • 6-215: Bradley Bozeman, C (Alabama)
  • 7-238: Zach Sieler, DE (Ferris State)

Drafting two tight ends in the early rounds, Ozzie Newsome was trying to draft his replacement in his last draft. As a Browns fan, Lamar Jackson scares the hell out of me if it works out. Flacco, RGIII, and Jackson, the Ravens are adapting to the league change of adopting more of an option style offense. With Flacco’s speed, I would expect to see this implemented by Harbaugh immediately.
Grade: Winner

Buffalo Bills

  • 1-7: Josh Allen, QB (Wyoming)
  • 1-16: Tremaine Edmunds, LB (Virginia Tech)
  • 3-96: Harrison Phillips, DT (Stanford)
  • 4-121: Taron Johnson, CB (Weber State)
  • 5-154: Siran Neal, S (Jacksonville State)
  • 5-166: Wyatt Teller, G (Virginia Tech)
  • 6-187: Ray-Ray McCloud, WR (Clemson)
  • 7-255: Austin Proehl, WR (North Carolina)

Not having to give up an additional 1st, the Bills move up to get their man. Josh Allen has bust potential but we will see. Clearly calling in the Austin Proehl pick himself, Allen is already adopting his “if it ain’t white, it ain’t right” philosophy.
Grade: Interesting

Carolina Panthers

  • 1-24: D.J. Moore, WR (Maryland)
  • 2-55: Donte Jackson, CB (LSU)
  • 3-85: Rashaan Gaulden, CB (Tennessee)
  • 4-101: Ian Thomas, TE (Indiana)
  • 4-136: Marquis Haynes, DE (Ole Miss)
  • 5-161: Jermaine Carter Jr., LB (Maryland)
  • 7-234: Andre Smith, LB (North Carolina)
  • 7-242: Kendrick Norton, DT (Miami)

The Panthers may have found a guy to fill the void left by Steve Smith years ago in DJ Moore. I am not going to pretend I know anything about the other guys picked.
Grade: Winner

Chicago Bears

  • 1-8: Roquan Smith, LB (Georgia)
  • 2-39: James Daniels, C (Iowa)
  • 2-51: Anthony Miller, WR (Memphis)
  • 4-115: Joel Iyiegbuniwe, LB (Western Kentucky)
  • 5-145: Bilal Nichols, DT (Delaware)
  • 6-181: Kylie Fitts, DE (Utah)
  • 7-224: Javon Wims, WR (Georgia)

Roquan Smith is a beast. James Daniels has good footwork. Joel Iyiegbuniwe is named Joel.
Grade: Winner

Cincinnati Bengals

  • 1-21: Billy Price, C (Ohio State)
  • 2-54: Jessie Bates, S (Wake Forest)
  • 3-77: Sam Hubbard, DE (Ohio State)
  • 3-78: Malik Jefferson, LB (Texas)
  • 4-112: Mark Walton, RB (Miami)
  • 5-151: Davontae Harris, CB (Illinois State)
  • 5-158: Andrew Brown, DT (Virginia)
  • 5-170: Darius Phillips, CB (Western Michigan)
  • 7-249: Logan Woodside, QB (Toledo)
  • 7-252: Rod Taylor, G (Ole Miss)
  • 7-253: Auden Tate, WR (Florida State)

Toooledoooo!!! They drafted the guy who broke Bruce  Gradkowski’s records in the 7th round. Nice. I don’t know much about Jessie Bates (Bates, lol), but their other draft picks are Ohio State guys. Ohio State is very good at football.
Grade: Winner

Cleveland Browns

  • 1-1: Baker Mayfield, QB (Oklahoma)
  • 1-4: Denzel Ward, CB (Ohio State)
  • 2-33: Austin Corbett, T (Nevada)
  • 2-35: Nick Chubb, RB (Georgia)
  • 3-67: Chad Thomas, DE (Miami)
  • 4-105: Antonio Callaway, WR (Florida)
  • 5-150: Genard Avery, LB (Memphis)
  • 6-175: Damion Ratley, WR (Texas A&M)
  • 6-188: Simeon Thomas, CB (Louisiana-Lafayette)

Mayfield is somewhat of a shocker for some who thought it was going to be Darnold or Allen. “But, but he’s not an AFC North quarterback”. Denzel Ward should be a bonafide stud even if the Browns did reach for him. Thanks Sashi.
Grade: I hope this works out but it’s the fucking Browns. A+

Dallas Cowboys

  • 1-19: Leighton Vander Esch, LB (Boise State)
  • 2-50: Connor Williams, G (Texas)
  • 3-81: Michael Gallup, WR (Colorado State)
  • 4-116: Dorance Armstrong, DE (Kansas)
  • 4-137: Dalton Schultz, TE (Stanford)
  • 5-171: Mike White, QB (Western Kentucky)
  • 6-193: Chris Covington, LB (Indiana)
  • 6-208: Cedrick Wilson, WR (Boise State)
  • 7-236: Bo Scarbrough, RB (Alabama)

For the sake of me not declaring every team a winner,
Grade: Loser

Denver Broncos

  • 1-5: Bradley Chubb, DE (North Carolina State)
  • 2-40: Courtland Sutton, WR (SMU)
  • 3-71: Royce Freeman, RB (Oregon)
  • 3-99: Isaac Yiadom, CB (Boston College)
  • 4-106: Josey Jewell, LB (Iowa)
  • 4-113: DaeSean Hamilton, WR (Penn State)
  • 5-156: Troy Fumgalli, TE (Wisconsin)
  • 6-183: Sam Jones, G (Arizona State)
  • 6-217: Keishawn Bierria, LB (Washington)
  • 7-226: David Williams, RB (Arkansas)

Chubb and Miller could be beastly. If I were a team in the AFC West, this would scare the shit out of me. Rumor was they would have taken Ward if the Browns had taken Chubb, solidifying their stance that Kase Keenum is their guy for now.
Grade: Scary

Detroit Lions

  • 1-20: Frank Ragnow, C (Arkansas)
  • 2-43: Kerryon Johnson, RB (Auburn)
  • 3-82: Tracey Walker, S (Louisiana-Lafayette)
  • 4-114: Da’Shawn Hand, DE (Alabama)
  • 5-153: Tyrell Crosby, T (Oregon)
  • 7-237: Nick Bawden, FB (San Diego State)

Not sexy, but Frank Ragnow has a badass linemen name.
Grade: Winner

Green Bay Packers

  • 1-18: Jaire Alexander, CB (Louisville)
  • 2-45: Josh Jackson, CB (Iowa)
  • 3-88: Oren Burks, LB (Vanderbilt)
  • 4-133: J’Mon Moore, WR (Missouri)
  • 5-138: Cole Madison, T (Washington State)
  • 5-172: JK Scott, P (Alabama)
  • 5-174: Marquez Valdes-Scantling, WR (USF)
  • 6-207: Equanimeous St. Brown, WR (Notre Dame)
  • 7-232: James Looney, DT (California)
  • 7-239: Hunter Bradley, LS (Mississippi State)
  • 7-248: Kendall Donnerson, LB (Southeast Missouri)

Getting two of the top corners in this draft, the Packers are hoping Rodgers won’t have to put up 40 a game. They drafted that French asshole too.
Grade: Winner

Houston Texans

  • 3-68: Justin Reid, S (Stanford)
  • 3-80: Martinas Rankin, T (Mississippi State)
  • 3-98: Jordan Akins, TE (UCF)
  • 4-103: Keke Coutee, WR (Texas Tech)
  • 6-177: Duke Ejiofor, DE (Wake Forest)
  • 6-211: Jordan Thomas, TE (Mississippi State)
  • 6-214: Peter Kalambayi, LB (Stanford)
  • 7-222: Jermaine Kelly, CB (San Jose State)

The Texans had zero first and zero second-round draft picks. I am guessing that means they didn’t get as many good players as the others.
Grade: Loser

Indianapolis Colts

  • 1-6: Quenton Nelson, G (Notre Dame)
  • 2-36: Darius Leonard, LB (South Carolina State)
  • 2-37: Braden Smith, G (Auburn)
  • 2-52: Kemoko Turay, DE (Rutgers)
  • 2-64: Tyquan Lewis, DE (Ohio State)
  • 4-104: Nyheim Hines, RB (North Carolina State)
  • 5-159: Daurice Fountain, WR (Northern Iowa)
  • 5-169: Jordan Wilkins, RB (Mississippi)
  • 6-185: Deon Cain, WR (Clemson)
  • 7-221: Matthew Adams, LB (Houston)
  • 7-235: Zaire Franklin, LB (Syracuse)

Luck should have some better protection this year with the Nelson pick. Darius Leonard is probably good too because everybody from South Carolina was good last year.
Grade: Winner

Jacksonville Jaguars

  • 1-29: Taven Bryan, DT (Florida)
  • 2-61: D.J. Chark, WR (LSU)
  • 3-93: Ronnie Harrison, S (Alabama)
  • 4-129: Will Richardson, T (North Carolina State)
  • 6-203: Tanner Lee, QB (Nebraska)
  • 7-230: Leon Jacobs, LB (Wisconsin)
  • 7-247: Logan Cooke, P (Mississippi State)

Taven Bryan is white. Josh Allen likes that pick. Adding strength to strength the Jags are trying to make it so nobody scores points on them.  Not sure why they wasted their 6th rounder on a QB when they have Bortles.
Grade: Losers (6th round QB has never ever worked out. ever)

Kansas City Chiefs

  • 2-46: Breeland Speaks, DE (Ole Miss)
  • 3-75: Derrick Nnadi, DT (Florida State)
  • 3-100: Dorian O’Daniel, LB (Clemson)
  • 4-124: Armani Watts, S (Texas A&M)
  • 6-196: Tremon Smith, CB (Central Arkansas)
  • 6-198: Kahlil McKenzie, DT (Tennessee)

I’m lazy.
Grade: They picked players

Los Angeles Chargers

  • 1-17: Derwin James, S (Florida State)
  • 2-48: Uchenna Nwosu, LB (USC)
  • 3-84: Justin Jones, DT (North Carolina State)
  • 4-119: Kyzir White, S (West Virginia)
  • 5-155: Scott Quessenberry, CB (UCLA)
  • 6-191: Dylan Cantrell, WR (Texas Tech)
  • 7-251: Justin Jackson, RB (Northwestern)

Defense wins championships (except for when offense does). The Chargers loaded up on D this year and may have gotten a steal in Derwin James.
Grade: Winner

Los Angeles Rams

  • 3-89: Joseph Noteboom, OL (TCU)
  • 4-111: Brian Allen, C (Michigan State)
  • 4-135: John Franklin-Myers, DE (Stephen F. Austin)
  • 5-147: Micah Kiser, LB (Virginia)
  • 5-160: Ogbonnia Okoronkwo, LB (Oklahoma)
  • 6-176: John Kelly, RB (Tennessee)
  • 6-192: Jamil Demby, T (Maine)
  • 6-195: Sebastian Joseph, DT (Rutgers)
  • 6-205: Trevon Young, LB (Louisville)
  • 7-231: Travin Howard, LB (TCU)
  • 7-244: Justin Lawler, DE (SMU)

The Rams had 11 picks but none until pick 89. WTF
Grade: Loser

Miami Dolphins

  • 1-11: Minkah Fitzpatrick, DB (Alabama)
  • 2-42: Mike Gesicki, TE (Penn State)
  • 3-73: Jerome Baker, LB (Ohio State)
  • 4-123: Durham Smythe, TE (Notre Dame)
  • 4-131: Kalen Ballage, RB (Arizona State)
  • 6-209: Cornell Armstrong, CB (Southern Mississippi)
  • 7-227: Quentin Poling, LB (Ohio)
  • 7-229: Jason Sanders, K (New Mexico)

Jerome Baker is awesome. Minkah Fitzpatrick looks awesome. Should be an awesome draft for the Fins.
Grade: Winner

Minnesota Vikings

  • 1-30: Mike Hughes, CB (UCF)
  • 2-62: Brian O’Neill, T (Pittsburgh)
  • 4-102: Jalyn Holmes, DE (Ohio State)
  • 5-157: Tyler Conklin, TE (Central Michigan)
  • 5-167: Daniel Carlson, K (Auburn)
  • 6-213: Colby Gossett, G (Appalachian State)
  • 6-218: Ade Aruna, DE (Tulane)
  • 7-225: Devante Downs, LB (California)

Mike Hughs should be good.
Grade: Winner

New England Patriots

  • 1-23: Isaiah Wynn, T (Georgia)
  • 1-31: Sony Michel, RB (Georgia)
  • 2-56: Duke Dawson, CB (Florida)
  • 5-143: Ja’Whaun Bentley, LB (Purdue)
  • 6-178: Christian Sam, LB (Arizona State)
  • 6-210: Braxton Berrios, WR (Miami)
  • 7-219: Danny Etling, QB (LSU)
  • 7-243: Keion Crossen, CB (Western Carolina)
  • 7-250: Ryan Izzo, TE (Florida State)

Despite not having a good 1st rounder since 2012, both of these players look pretty solid. I hate Tom Brady.
Grade: Winner

New Orleans Saints

  • 1-14: Marcus Davenport, DE (UTSA)
  • 3-91: Tre’Quan Smith, WR (UCF)
  • 4-127: Rick Leonard, T (Florida State)
  • 5-164: Natrell Jamerson, S (Wisconsin)
  • 6-189: Kamrin Moore, CB (Boston College)
  • 6-201: Boston Scott, RB (Louisiana Tech)
  • 7-245: Will Clapp, G (LSU)

Marcus Davenport might be a really good player, but the Saints gave up a shit ton to get him.
Grade: Loser

New York Giants

  • 1-2: Saquon Barkley, RB (Penn State)
  • 2-34: Will Hernandez, G (UTEP)
  • 3-66: Lorenzo Carter, LB (Georgia)
  • 3-69: B.J. Hill, DT (North Carolina State)
  • 4-108: Kyle Lauletta, QB (Richmond)
  • 5-139: RJ McIntosh, DT (Miami)

Saquon Barkley may be beast, but with QB’s going 1 and 3, the Giants could have gotten more out of this pick. They did also pick up Will Hernandez, so they did address some needs.
Grade: OK

New York Jets

  • 1-3: Sam Darnold, QB (USC)
  • 3-72: Nathan Shepherd, DT (Fort Hays State)
  • 4-107: Christopher Herndon, TE (Miami)
  • 6-179: Parry Nickerson, CB (Tulane)
  • 6-180: Folorunso Fatukasi, DT (UConn)
  • 6-204: Trenton Cannon, RB (Virginia State)

They had a plan and executed, despite giving up more than the Saints, the Jets did well here.
Grade: Winner

Oakland Raiders

  • 1-15: Kolton Miller, T (UCLA)
  • 2-57: P.J. Hall, DT (Sam Houston State)
  • 3-65: Brandon Parker, T (North Carolina A&T)
  • 3-87: Arden Key, DE (LSU)
  • 4-110: Nick Nelson, CB (Wisconsin)
  • 5-140: Maurice Hurst, DT (Michigan)
  • 5-173: Johnny Townsend, P (Florida)
  • 6-216: Azeem Victor, LB (Washington)
  • 7-228: Marcell Ateman, WR (Oklahoma State)

They moved back a few spots, but probably still got the guy they wanted all along. They essentially drafted Martavious Bryant with their draft day moves.
Grade: Winner

Philadelphia Eagles

  • 2-49: Dallas Goedert, TE (South Dakota State)
  • 4-125: Avonte Maddox, CB (Pittsburgh)
  • 4-130: Josh Sweat, DE (Florida State)
  • 6-206: Matt Pryor, T (TCU)
  • 7-233: Jordan Mailata, T (Australia)

These guys really didn’t need anything and they didn’t really draft anybody.
Grade: eh

Pittsburgh Steelers

  • 1-28: Terrell Edmunds, S (Virginia Tech)
  • 2-60: James Washington, WR (Oklahoma State)
  • 3-76: Mason Rudolph, QB (Oklahoma State)
  • 3-92: Chukwuma Okorafor, T (Western Michigan)
  • 5-148: Marcus Allen, S (Penn State)
  • 5-165: Jaylen Samuels, RB (North Carolina State)
  • 7-246: Joshua Frazier, DT (Alabama)

I’m running out of steam you guys. Fuck the Steelers.

San Francisco 49ers

  • 1-9: Mike McGlinchey, T (Notre Dame)
  • 2-44: Dante Pettis, WR (Washington)
  • 3-70: Fred Warner, LB (BYU)
  • 3-95: Tarvarius Moore, S (Southern Mississippi)
  • 4-128: Kentavius Street, DE (North Carolina State)
  • 5-142: D.J. Reed, CB (Kansas State)
  • 6-184: Marcell Harris, S (Florida State)
  • 7-223: Jullian Taylor, DT (Temple)
  • 7-240: Richie James, WR (Middle Tennessee)

Tackle? Sure, why the fuck not.
Grade: Winner

Seattle Seahawks

  • 1-27: Rashaad Penny, RB (San Diego State)
  • 3-79: Rasheem Green, DE (USC)
  • 4-120: Will Dissly, TE (Washington)
  • 5-141: Shaquem Griffin, DE (UCF)
  • 5-146: Tre Flowers, S (Oklahoma State)
  • 5-149: Michael Dickson, P (Texas)
  • 5-168: Jamarco Jones, T (Ohio State)
  • 6-186: Jacob Martin, LB (Temple)
  • 7-220: Alex McGough, QB (Florida International)
  • 7-248:

Who drafts and RB in the first round?
Grade: Loser

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

  • 1-12: Vita Vea, DT (Washington)
  • 2-38: Ronald Jones, RB (USC)
  • 2-53: M.J. Stewart, CB (North Carolina)
  • 2-63: Carlton Davis, CB (Auburn)
  • 3-94: Alex Cappa, G (Humboldt State)
  • 4-117: Jordan Whitehead, S (Pittsburgh)
  • 5-144: Justin Watson, WR (Pennsylvania)
  • 6-202: Jack Cichy, LB (Wisconsin)

J.R. Smith just hit a big 3! I’ve gotta go.
Grade: Winner

Tennessee Titans

  • 1-22: Rashaan Evans, LB (Alabama)
  • 2-41: Harold Landry, DE (Boston College)
  • 5-152: Dane Cruikshank, CB (Arizona)
  • 6-199: Luke Falk, QB (Washington State)

Harold Landry, if healthy could be a big steal here.
Grade: Winner

Washington Redskins

  • 1-13: Da’Ron Payne, DT (Alabama)
  • 2-59: Derrius Guice, RB (LSU)
  • 3-74: Geron Christian, OL (Louisville)
  • 4-109: Troy Apke, S (Penn State)
  • 5-163: Tim Settle, DT (Virginia Tech)
  • 6-197: Shaun Dion Hamilton, LB (Alabama)
  • 7-241: Greg Stroman, CB (Virginia Tech)
  • 7-256: Trey Quinn, WR (SMU)

Dan Snyder is an asshole.

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Written by Uncle Internet

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