It’s 2018 and quality of life is on a meteoric rise towards the heavens. We’ve invented sex robots, beer delivery services, and virtual reality gaming. But somehow, there are still a bunch of terrible things in society that are fucking up this perfect existence. Time to drink some haterade for the list of horrible things that still exist even though everyone hates them.
I get at least 1 phone call per day from a different state. I either don’t answer or if I do I just hang up as soon as possible. No, I don’t care if 100,000 people break their hip each year, and I definitely don’t want to hear how much I could be saving on life insurance. Who are the crazy people that stay on the line and encourage this behavior?
You know how I know cockroaches shouldn’t exist? Because you’ve never seen anything eating a cockroach. They serve no purpose to the food chain other than forcing me to burn more calories trying to kill them.
3. Beauty Pageants
Beauty Pageants are a disturbing ritual of middle America. We trot out little girls to be judged by some arbitrary guidelines involving sequin fabric and fake smiles while we pretend it’s not creepy… but it is. Child pageants are also responsible for the rise of Honey Boo Boo (above). Just stop it.
Why is there a convenience fee for my already insanely overpriced ticket to go see Beyonce at the Staples Center? Is the internet not the most convenient place for you to sell me paperless tickets? And thanks for letting bots and scalpers buy up all the tickets and resell them at an insane markup. I just wanna go drink expensive beer in the Bae-Hive!
5. Plastic ‘Clamshell’ Packaging
This extraordinarily hard plastic shell that sometimes ironically houses cutting tools is the most dangerous inanimate object on earth. So many people have cut themselves trying to rip it open that they had to invent a tool specifically to open it. Just let Amazon package and deliver everything, please.
6. 3D Movies
Going to the movie theatre is already an annoying proposition. Expensive food, smelly people, loud kids, and no pause button. So why are we adding in the chore of wearing used glasses covered in butter grease and influenza and another $6 to the ticket price? The only movie that ever looked good in 3D was Avatar, and that took about 12 years to make. Lets bail on this tech and focus on sexbots.
Girls don’t like them because they constrict and are uncomfortable. Guys don’t like them because they are hard to take off. Let’s all agree to pop the top, and let those chariots swing low!
8. The Jersey Shore
GTL had its place in pop culture when MTV delivered this STD ridden group of drunk fuck-ups into our living room TVs. Once we got over Snooki getting punched by a dude it was time for their 15 minutes of fame to be over. Somehow, they are back in 2018 and just as horrible as ever but with more plastic surgery and less charm. Cabs are here drive this scourge off the boardwalk and into the Atlantic.
Mosquitoes are basically the “Jersey Shore” of the insect community. I’m pretty sure they are responsible for every blood transmitted disease in the world. They give humans the ‘West Nile’ Virus along with planting Heartworms into our dogs. They are also extremely effective at ruining picnics and fucking up a good hike. Time to fumigate the atmosphere.
Yeah, Fuck Cancer
11. Lists Like This One
No one cares about the “23 Celebrities Who Had Plastic Surgery” or the “42 Lifehacks for Scorpios” type lists. The only good thing about these viral BuzzFeed style lists is their ease of navigation. There are never any pop-ups and all the information is on a single page…Oh wait, there are nonstop ads and a ton of fake “click here” buttons. I’m glad I don’t do that 😉